He sits there like an impatient flame in the dim light of another cloudy winter morning, watching me out of the corner of his eye as the wind ruffles his scarlet feathers. His punk-rocker crest is stuck straight up, adding to the look of restlessness.
"I don't know what you're waiting for," I say, in a conversational voice. The cardinal is perched on a limb no more than ten feet away, and I slide my glance from the bird to the river beyond, which is up maybe two feet and slightly muddy. "The feeders are filled with sunflowers seeds and cracked corn, and there's more cracked corn on the ground and the stump, 'cause I know you don't like socializing with the sparrows and finches."
The redbird gives me the sort of imperious look the patrician classes are wont to employ on uppity tradesmen who deliver their groceries. I fling out another half-scoop of cracked corn. "There! Satisfied?"
In these final December days, as the old year wanes and the new one speeds our way, the usual quiet interim between holidays is somehow neither restive nor reflective. There are still things to do, preparations to make, a bit of shopping, a sort of low-key party at one of the newspaper offices which I need to attend a couple of hours from now. Tomorrow the tree will come down and the decorations will be packed away and stored for another year. I don't know how to explain it, but this year the holiday season seems to have gotten away from me. I'm not disappointed or sad…just emptier than normal. Why?
Maybe I'm just tired. That old redbird isn't the only one out of sorts….
———————
18 comments:
Same here, Grizz. The Thanksgiving holiday was so disrupted for Kali and me that we were both looking forward to a cozy Yule, but it just didn't happen. Nothing terribly bad, just off-kilter and generally unsatisfying. You're not alone in your restiveness.
You just summed up my feelings perfectly about this Holiday season. Mr. Cardinal is so vivid and beautiful---I'm glad you shared him with us. Happy New Year.
HI GRIZZ - first, I love your dialogue with that cautious cardinal - he seemed indifferent and very much
in charge'. We are winding down too, or back to neutral perhaps - we cleaned the house from top to bottom yesterday and began packing things up as well - the boxes come out later today and all the decorations will be packed up by Sunday. WE are quiet at home for New Years Eve - we will have teriaki chicken wings, some chicken quesedillas, and an arugula w/feta and totmatoe salad and a nice bottle of Persipico! We most likely will be asleep before the 'ball comes down'. I guess transitions of any kind can leave folks a bit "out of sorts" - you are right where you are suppose to be -, in-be-twix and between!
I am so happy to have you with me in 2012.
Love to you always my friend and highest regard
Gail
peace.....
Scott…
I guess I'm glad not to be the only one…but I'd wish it better for you if I could. This has just been a blah sort of month, in many ways—maybe caused by the weather (unseasonably warm here) or perhaps a combination of things. I think "off-kilter and generally unsatisfying" is smack on.
Angie…
I am blessed with cardinals here. Some mornings I can easily count a couple of dozen—not all males, of course—without looking hard. And I hear them in the darkness whistling from the cedars, long before the sun comes up. Feisty birds. They were my mother's favorite.
Don't know where this holiday season and I parted ways…but for some time, I've been struggling to convince myself I'm having fun. I think I need to curl up in front of the fire for a day or something.
Happy New Year to you, too. Good to hear from you, BTW.
Whenever someone mentions the feeling of emptiness, I am reminded of Alice Longworth Roosevelt's prescription for happiness: "Fill what's empty. Empty what's full. Scratch where it itches." In short, that emptiness you're feeling is probably telling you that it's time to fill something up. Now what that is, I can't say, but I do believe that a man of your discerning and poetic nature will find the answer soon. That, at least, would be my New Year's wish for you. Have a good one, Grizz.
Gail…
Thank you. Professional nature scientists frown on such behavior. They might say it was a typically shameful example of anthropomorphizing. My friend Scott (two comments up) is a nature professional, and I expect he doesn't talk much to redbirds, though he's too much the gentleman to take me to task on such matters. However, I talk to birds and squirrels and sundry critters, including the occasional fish—and I've been known to give an old oak or sycamore a pat and a friendly word. I can become garrulous around flowers. In fact, I'll pretty much speak to most animate things, including those heinous arachnids who've violated the cottage's interior trespass laws and are about to suffer fatal consequences. Between you and me, I've also muttered a few things to certain glacial erratics in fields not too farm from here.
You'll note this morning I did all the talking. That's often typical when conversing with birds—aside from the tendency of some to break into song—though waterfowl, in general, are chatty, and nuthatches will usually answer, though a little nasally.
Of course, guys like Scott can't openly talk to cardinals, even if they wanted to, or else they'd soon be out of a job. You can't have a fellow you're paying to manage a forest out there whispering to sparrows and lecturing groundhogs. What would the public think? On the other hand, the public automatically—and with uncanny insight—assumes writers are at least a few bricks short of a load, otherwise they'd never choose such a crazy profession; we lot can blather with and to anyone and anything we choose.
Hey, I still gotta make it a couple more days before I'm safe into 2012. As my Mother used to, musten't count your chickens before they hatch. But I'm doing my best, clucking right along…
George…
I've never heard that—but I expect it's absolutely the right advice for me and my mood. I am momentarily stumped as to what needs filling—though, in part, I imagine there have been too many days recently surrounded by walls. But there's more that just that. too…so I'll have to give serious thought.
Quite honestly, thank you. And Happy New Year!
Perhaps it is just age creeping up. I feel the same way. No real spirit for either Christmas or the New Year . . . here perhaps it is understandable, heat and Christmas somehow don;t go together for me. Temps of 39-40+ C is enervating.
I definitely find talking to the birds more fulfilling than partying.
Have a wonderful 2012 with all the little gifts of nature that make our lives worth living.
Arija…
I wouldn't want to admit to creeping old age…which doesn't make it any less true, of course. But my seasonal spirit has been on the wane this time around—especially for the last couple of weeks. Warm weather, perhaps, or lack of focus—or just me.
Best wishes and blessing for the New Year! I always love hearing from you.
I haven't commented for days, because well... I'm sure you've seen indications on my blog.
It's too late now, I know...but maybe you could have kept the tree longer... waited for your own personal holiday to appear.
Sometimes the feeling just doesn't come with the season. I know that this tree in my living room would be abandoned by saner folk, given the sadness it experienced on it's appointed day... but, I've kept him because he represents life in darkness and the ornaments... so many spirits I have known.
But, truth to tell... there is an emptiness to the moment that can't be explained. Maybe a yearning that is not just my own?
I am grateful for you and others... and I hope tonight... the cusp of another man-made year brings you and your Lady and Moon the Dog a comfort.
Thank you for hanging around.
Love~
I just spent a couple of days outdoors -sleeping in my van during an ice storm was heaven.
You know you never went away on any camping vacation maybe it's time to see something else. Meander a bit.See something new?
Happy New Year to you and your Ladylove Jim. Our holiday season was low key as only my daughter was here this year but it was enjoyable nonetheless. I'm happy to see the New Year and hoping it will be a good one all round. The Red Cardinal is just beautiful - something like that outside the door is enough to cheer anyone up:)
Robin…
Actually, we didn't get around to the tree yesterday, so it will come down today. And today seems like the time for me and the way I've been feeling lately. I need to move on. Which doesn't in any way mean keeping your tree up for a while longer isn't the right thing to do. Under other circumstances, and if it was helping, I'd do the same. You feel what you feel, need what you need, and I don't think much good ever comes from listening to others tell you how to think and feel. Better to help you understand yourself, your needs, your feelings, to find the cause, get them into perspective, figure how to get on with your life in the best possible terms, with or without the baggage. Often we try and do things too fast. Healing and recovery take time. I understand perfectly what that tree and those ornaments mean to you. Let them work what magic they can, without causing you to dwell or wallow in the negative; you'll know when the time is right.
And that yearning…that is a wonderful part of the human spirit for it tells you your heart lives and needs, while providing reasons for getting up each morning. No, that yearning…that longing, is not something you alone experience.
Friends hang around, right? That's what makes 'em friends. You're going to have a good year. There are blessing and joys waiting for you. And you'll certainly make my year better by being my friend. Happy New Year!
AfromTO…
Oh, my, yes! I love to be hunkered in a tent or camper during such weather. As counter-intuitive as it sounds, to be all snuggled warm and dry in a sleeping bag while the wind and elements rage all around…that's the time I feel safest and more secure.
You're probably right about the trip being needed.
Happy New Year!
Rowan…
We had friends and family over to share meals. The weather was nice. The food and company great. Everyone received good and plentiful gifts, and gave just as much, and from the heart. So pretty low-key but enjoyable here, too. I'm just restless or something.
Happy New Year!
TO has no snow so I drove up north to be in a real winter-miles of snow fields with evergreens weighed down by cotton.it only then felt like xmas.You used to travel a lot more-maybe you should go up to Superior to freshen up your spirits. See some ice,rocks, raging winter water-and smell the pines.May your spirits lift in the New Year.
AfromTO...
I think you're exactly right, and in fact, have known this was much of the problem for some time. The real question has been how to do what I need to do often enough to make a real difference. I used to spend so much time camping and traveling--more time on the road than at home--and have done so most of my life. Not being able to do that has made a real impact on me. I've felt trapped by my own life. I'm going to try my best to change that in 2012.
I appreciate your thoughts and words...
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